h[and/or] jaw

ok, so I am finally writing about my hand, which probably everyone knows about. on Friday, July 17, I was biking around a little on Mountainview when an ancient old lady was pulling out of a gas station. a man across the way crossed too, and I thought she was stopped for him, but he waved her to go. she never looked my way. it was too late to really brake. I slammed into the front of the car with my jaw, but then my bike got pulled under the car, and me on it - more specifically, my left hand on the brake. it got mangled while she continued to drive for twenty feet. afterwards, I got up and stumbled over to the grass strip, where someone called 911 and my house. I was in the hospital for eight hours. since then I have had several casts, a surgery and a lot of painkillers.

my jaw will probably be okay without surgery or wires; the next four weeks will be all soft foods and liquids (you should try these meal replacement shakes). my hand, however, remains in great pain. lots of physiotherapy to come. we shall see how this all turns out. meanwhile I am grateful for the use of my right hand. wish me luck in the coming weeks.

that's all for now!

ahead

For some reason I feel like meeting new people.
I also feel like seeing all my old friends.
These two things do not usually coexist with me!
Sarah was saying, while school was still on, "But I don't want to meet new people. I like the friends I have now!" and I agreed totally. And still do, in a way. But recently I've somehow gained the desire to see someone I've never met, and become friends with them.
Generous gift of God, for someone going into a totally unfamiliar place in the fall. Ai - it's still so daunting. But hey, I'll be meeting new people!

stumbler

Summer is very boring.
Every day is the same.
It's very boring.
Hello, world.
I should have prepared for this.
I want my friends!
Bleh.
I am sick of my present company.
(I'm alone at the moment.)

,... he felt better

And the next day, he felt normal again. And still with the sense of it being behind him. We're good.

...and the next day,

Oh, man. Is it already over? For heaven's sake! How did that happen? I'll tell you when I realized it was done. We were talking about hailstorms (they had one in Italy apparently) and I thought, "Hey, we had one of those recently!" and the picture of it happening came into my head: I was standing, ten minutes before my alarm was supposed to wake me, at my window, while the hail rattled like everything. Then it struck me, a strange thought: That was during school. That was infinite time ago. I was worrying about an assignment I had to hand in the same day. Hoooooooly, that seems a million years past.

Although this wave of nostalgia hadn't really struck me until now, and the words "last time" and "forever" became cliché pretty fast, now it's hitting me. I feel the unbearable weight of the need to cry. But I probably won't. It's stupid, and I almost never do once I mention I need to.

It would be nice, however, I think.

. ON THAT NOTE,
I wrote a poem, kinda depressing:

The Last Time

I remember the last time I really cried:
that January, with the girl I liked,
in the gym, talking about suicide.

This is nothing like that,
but my heart disagrees.
I’ve been feeling like nothing has changed
but now something is different in me.

We graduate; the thrill is past,
the last time we’ll be saying “last”.
The grads move on, the teachers give half-hearted chase
but the cars have left, and left no trace.

Step into your door, remove your gown,
hang up your hat, take the tassel down,
put it by the books and cherished letters.
None of it will ever happen again;
your most recent memories are now from a life that is not yours.
When will you make friends like that? Behind what doors?

Last talk last lunch last class last test
last grade last lock last friend last word
last film last group last desk last last
last
last

Now I can remember
a little better.

university before high school

Today I am going to a student advising session at U of T Mississauga. They give you your ID card, your code or something for choosing courses online, your map of the campus and other various whatsits and infomatics. It is like a full induction into the student body.

Afterward, i.e. tomorrow, I'm going to go graduate from high school.
I find that order mildly amusing.

...

My rightmost finger is numb.

spring is ending

We are moving out of the spring of our lives into the summer; there is nothing to be mourned in that. The spring is only a changing, a preparation, for the summer.

Anyway, we are only going away for a short time. We're destined for new life - and to be reborn - and who knows what that entails? Probably not period three classes bringing a stop to our nice sunny lunch on the sidewalk.

volunteer hours

Finally finished all mine yesterday. I had to get in five that I was still lacking. I did like six at the start of my highschool career, and thought to myself, "Wow, I'm sure on the fast track!" The next twenty-five were THIS MARCH. anyway.

It feels kind of good to be unstressed with that. Since, you know, I can now gradjeeate. I wonder if it's how one of my friends said; he said, "Mebbe I ain't doin' the work because subconsciously I don't want to be able to graduate and move away (paraphrased)". Every time I thought about it, my mind was like, "Some other time - there's plenty of time." Then on Friday I was thinking that, and I was like, "Holy crap! No there ain't!" So I went and did it.

Fascinating story, eh?!?! Anyway, trumped my secret fears of leaving, or at least their ability to interfere with my graduation. Let's just hope I find time to study for English on Wednesday, rather than, say, playing games all day.

and after prom.

So. Here we are.
Got back. Took a shower.
Loooong shower.
Wanted to call Melissa. No answer. Funtimes, eh?
Thought to myself, "That cost me $180." Thought to myself, "For that time with my friends, to what limit would I have paid?"
The answer of course is an amount faaaar beyond what I could dream of... I assume it'll go up once we're out of high school.
Well, we have a couple of things to still do together.

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

before prom

Right now it's before prom. I have a huge list of tasks to accomplish in my mind. Maybe it'll seem smaller if I put it in writing...

-Find a tie
-Shower
-Avoid eating too much, so as to enjoy promfood...
-Call Denise about rides home
-Call Sam about rides there
-Get driven there
-Do various preparing/dressing up at Ben's house
-Get driven to prom
-Wait for and finally meet Melissa
-Introduce Melissa a million times
-???? HOW DOES PROM WORK ???? (5 hours)
-Afterparty
-Undress to regular clothes
-Sofie's house
-Sleep
-Wake up
-Home
-Shower again, relive memories

caversham

Caversham, to me, means "When all events inform against you worse and worse, but prove ultimately to have been a false warning" (if you really care, ask me where it came from). So far, the school year's end and the look of the last two weeks appears to be the world crashing down around us (for the English rooms upstairs, quite literally), and I can only hope it's a big caversham.

couple thoughts

A couple of thoughts I had, while reflecting in a field.

.

Hope is something found in a person. If a situation has "no hope", it is because of the people involved.

However bright a light shines, its purpose is to illuminate everything else. We must be the light of the world.

If girls notice that men are full of themselves, it’s because when a girl notices something about a boy he feels like he must be worth a great deal.

The difference between ours and other religions involving human sacrifice is that in theirs it’s human sacrifice for God and in ours it’s God sacrifice for human.

No one has it right—not even the people who admit they don’t have it right.

Of course time passes like the blink of an eye—if you blink your eye, that is.

speeches

So because I've finished reading Shane Claiborne's Irresistible Revolution, Brian McLaren's Everything Must Change, and Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis, I've been pretty strongly challenged... I'm not sure what I'm doing is alright as a Christian anymore. Is it really what Jesus would have wanted that we just grow up, get a good education, get a great job, make enough money to live by and maybe enjoy ourselves now and then, leave excellent little children, and see our grandchildren before we die and are buried in a plot of land?

I don't think so, see... we only fit within the system prescribed for us by the world that raised and directs us. You can't fight the major, non-Christian world powers by doing exactly what they want every individual person to do. Remember that Jesus' and the early Christians' means of living God's message out and giving it to everyone resulted in the world crucifying them. The world that would very soon after declare itself totally Christian.

What's the problem?
Everyone has the message now. But it didn't do anything major to the world. Nobody's dying for it in North America. It has no power. We have to show them the message. (Obviously, this doesn't mean go and die. It means do things "on the side of the rebel, Jesus", which contrast and oppose much of our society's priorities. Doing them sometimes ends up in persecution and death.)

I can't just live a complacent, happy life anymore. I think. Comfort has become uncomfortable.

a divine cheapness.

I finally decided I wasn't too cheap to buy the second proof copy of Divinities ($25 for a tiny tiny change. Sigh.) So now it's being sent to Amazon, Barnes&Noble, and various other slightly smaller names. They have to review it, and then choose whether or not to list it. According to Lulu, "They almost always list it." Well, that's just fantastic, my old untrustworthy friend. We'll see how it goes. The whole process takes 6-8 weeks, because some online booksellers only update their database once every two months.

While typing this, my right ear suddenly stopped working and a huge ringing started in my left ear. The only thing I can hear is my extremely loud typing.

divinities good & bad

So I finished overhauling Divinities. Want to hear what I did? OK, well I'll tell you anyway.

-Interior Art (including Part frontpieces and Map)
-Cover Art (front and back), including blurb and review on back
-ISBN, so it can be sold in retail (and guaranteed on Amazon - long delay for reviewing it to come)
-Rewritten beginning and end (prologue needed to address the rest of the book; the end was depressing, and the book meant much less than with the new ending).
-General awesomeness

Besides that, a million formatting issues were fixed (these never were problems all at once, they crept up here and there - like trying to hold down an octopus...), including that

All pages are square in the center, not floating off sides or eaten by margins. No page numbers are missing or extra. Text is of an appropriate size and font. Paragraphs are not orphaned across pages. Important sections' first pages are always on the right. Copyright page accurately describes the book. Picture of me updated, bio rewritten.

Funtimes, eh? Defs, yo. Anyway so with the ISBN, one can legally sell it in bookstores and online bookstores. This step begins with the publisher (Lulu Inc) sends off the manuscript to Amazon.

---below this line is complaining---

Now to complain! They don't do that unless you order a "proof copy" to review and make sure absolutely nothing is wrong with it. Fine! Sounds good. So I did. It cost $25 to manufacture and ship at a more reliable shipping method (ask me later). When it arrived, I reviewed it, was thoroughly pleased, and discovered one error.

So of course I fixed the error and re-saved the book, then went to click Approve! to send it on to Amazon. However, here comes the message: "You have created a new revision; before you can approve it you must order a proof copy." BAH!!! It's for my own good, I know, and they don't even profit when I buy one. But to have to spend another $25 to see the newer copy of the book to make sure it's "fine" even though I know exactly what I did, how and what it is?? Nonsensediculous!

So I have to bypass this somehow. -sigh-.

novel novel etc

I realized that when I really apply myself to it, I get a lot done, I do an excellent job, my workload significantly decreases, and it's fun and turns out to be rather easy!

*wakes up from dream exhausted yet again*

May

OH NO!
it's May!

so, back toward the back

Aaaaand we're back at school.
I thought I'd tell you that I'm really into Leonard Cohen. I've selected a few quotes from ancient interviews to share.

(When asked if he wrote songs 'on the spur'.)
"Well, there's got to be a 'spur' somewhere."
Clever! And it's true. It's not like inspiration is scheduled for 10:00 p.m. in your studio and won't show up at 3:00 p.m. during your interview! In fact, the more things going on at once, the more likely something will show up that could turn into inspiration. When you're "doing nothing except working" or "waiting for inspiration", you have no stimulus.

(When asked if he was in love, and why love features in so many of his songs.)
"Everybody who isn't in love should be divorced."
Enigmatic... It sort of assumes that marriage is the natural state, I guess. I don't know what I think (because I don't really know what he means), but it caught my eye (or ear). He went on to say "When I go down the street, either I bless everyone, or I divorce them all in their homes... one by one, stare at the houses and violently divorce the inhabitants."

(When asked if he thought that putting his anguish into writing and selling it was ethical.)
"Well, selling it is just about the best thing you can do with anguish."
Haha! Kind of unfriendly, but it's sorta true. I don't think "selling" is the word I'd prefer to use, but I think that turning a negative emotion into profit (of a non-financial kind... of a redemptive, or even worshipful, kind) is the best thing you can do with it. He goes on to clarify, "Well, I don't think I make any money off of it..." :)

(When asked if his brand of using his own life and the people involved in it was whoring.)
"If it's good enough it becomes anonymous. It's no longer about a certain girl, it's about all girls, it becomes the experience of life rather than an experience in life."
Enough said! Of course, it doesn't mean the author becomes anonymous. His experiences become everybody's... which is the ultimate goal of poetry. So yeah, s'how it goes when it's good.

--

That's all, folks!

drug companies runnin' the snack foods business!

The food I am currently eating is titled with a triple-drug-allusion: "Stoned Wheat [Weed?] Crackers".
See? see? STONED, WEED, CRACK. Gasp!

missed th' bus

Fun story: I wake up at 7:35. I get all my clothes on. I go to Aaron's room to wake him. We go out the door.

Q: Why did you neglect brushing your teeth, washing your face, using the washroom, taking a shower, eating breakfast, completing homework, preparing budget/lunchplans, or wishing your mother goodbye?

A: I normally wake up at 6:00... my bus arrives at 7:30.

pie

Pie and tea.
Apple pie, to be exact.
With whipped cream.
On both pie and tea.
Man oh man, if Hitler's mother had made this for him, he would have grown up a happy little boy.

A&W

just went for a two-hour walk
to get...
A&W
the HOLY GRAIL of georgetown
on the far far side of town...
in the middle of a FRIGGIN RAINSTORM!
:)
My umbrella, it collapsed
Then folded in on itself..
.Then discovered a black hole
Inside itself.

So when I got to A&W
here I am soaked like a drowned rat
holding this mess of small metal bits and cloth
and grinning
I go into the bathroom and try to pry the lid off
I am quite sure everyone outside hears me when I say, "GOTTA TAKE THE LID OFF."
(of the garbage can.)

Walk out... without the umbrella
Order a burger and onion rings with a wide smile
shove it under my coat,
and walk right back out into the rain.
Tried to dry mah hair w/ paper towel.
long story short: very wet, got A&W here!

microwaves

i realized that if i leave anything in the microwave, i always come back when there's exactly 15 seconds left. i would cancel it, impatiently, and take it out, but it'd be 15 seconds undercooked!
...
the solution? put it in for 15 seconds more than it needs. when i come back and it's got exactly 15 seconds more to go, i can just cancel it and know i saved it from overcooking.
*grin*

challenged

been reading a lot of shane claiborne. frankly i am very uncomfortable.
that's just what he wants.
dangit!
i had to ask myself the question: "i am going to be studying education/french ; how will that aid me in repairing poverty, or being in the slums of india?" the answer: i doubt it will at all.
i also kinda doubt any of the plans i had for my life will.
the closest was being a writer, as in, say, c.s. lewis, soren kierkegaard, or philip yancey. but frankly, their books mostly help academic-minded students learn some theology. the best outcome of it is that they go and do loving, wonderful things that these writers didn't do.
piece of--!
on the other hand, i like to remember that God's favourite thing is to turn things unexpectedly to his intentions and goodness. i don't even know what will happen tomorrow. how could i know what will happen in five years? twenty? two hundred?
there's some bright side.

also, i decided by accident to only capitalize God. believe me, it's a hard battle with the spell checker, which wants me to give equal importance to everything else as well. but hey. screw that. right?

indian yams

oh and what i am doing right now. is i am reading indian proverbs. off wikiquote. they are fun.
just remember:
when discussing elephants, do not bring up yam matters.
leave the damn yams out of it.
i'm warning you.

that is all.

hello world

i dont wanna invoke a lot of clichés. i also dont feel like capitalizing, or using proper apostrophes. but just so you know, i can. isnt that wonderful? anyway.

so this seems weird as 100% of the people reading this might know. cuz i generally voice my thoughts out loud when i can. on the other hand i am much better at typing than... talking. with my, like, tongue. and mouth. and ... teeth. are teeth involved in talking?

regardless. what am i feeling right now. well im reading The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne; its very thought-provoking. i will definitely have to find quotes to put up here. its simply insane. the man isnt though. or so he says.

i also think mebbe this will help my style of writing for my novel. which is written a lot like this. stream of consciousness or whatever you call it. "stream of consciousnot"? i heard that phrase once. no, im lying. i made it up. how is that for surprise ending.

so, to close, hi, have a good day, and why, as a famous person once asked, is it 8:10?
the answer of course is: it's not. it's 8:40.
go get a watch.